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 At Exactly the Wrong Moment (One-Shot)

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Posts : 58
Join date : 2010-03-26
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PostSubject: At Exactly the Wrong Moment (One-Shot)   Fri Apr 09, 2010 8:13 pm

This is my first one-shot. I'd like feedback! I feel too creative...

Mally was staring up at a tall tower. She was terrified to go all the way to the top, but we had an interview she couldn't miss. Our band became famous so quickly. Ever since we were 15, it's been quite a shock.

"Mally? Mally? Yoohoo? Twinnie? Maaaaaallllyyyyy???" I remember saying. She quickly looked over at me. I looked at her questioningly. She just nodded.

"I'm okay," She stuttered. "I think." We just shook our heads and made our way in the door. I started getting doubts about whether or not to do this interview, we've had bad experiences in towers like this one. I remember one time, we were about 12...

We were at the top of a lighthouse...
Mally was looking down at the people below. She was laughing and smiling...
A boy a few years older came up to her and asked her something... I forget what it was.
She looked offended and kicked him. He got mad and slapped her across the face.
She stumbled backwards and fell into the glass. It immediately shattered. I grabbed her hand before she splattered to her bloody death down below...
She looked horrified, I still remember the look on her face. I was horrified, too.
I stood there trying to hold her up until a large man pulled her up.
When she was back on the floor, tears started streaming down her face.
She buried her head in my shoulder and began thanking me...
"Th-th-th-thth- thank you, Mkun!!! Thank you... Brother, thank you..." (Pronounced MOO-kin)
I started crying too.

Ever since that one time, Mally's never wanted to go up in a tower. Now we were 18, and she was facing her fear. I was proud, but I had a horrible feeling about what was going to happen.


The interview ended up going fine. No one fell from any windows. Even afterwards, I had a horrible feeling. I told the guys and our manager and bodyguards, but they just told me it was nothing. I agreed, but inside I was feeling even worse.

We decided to make our way over to a nearby store. Before we were off of the slab of concrete that the tower was stationed on, we heard a noise. I couldn't interpret what it was, until I felt something speed by.

I watched Mally, trying my hardest to scream at her to move, or duck, or something. But no sound came out. I watched her start to turn around, but stop mid-spin and crumple to the ground. I shouted and my bodyguards shoved us into the band van and sped off.

"GO GET MALLY! PLEASE! WE CAN'T LEAVE HER!!!" I was shouting at Dave, our manager. He started shouting back, until our whole van was a madhouse full of screaming and yelling. I saw an ambulance turn into the parking-lot at the tower. I covered my face with my hands and started sobbing.

Once we got back into city limits, we slowed down a small bit. I was somewhat calmed down, but I was so worried that I started hyperventilating. Jermaine was trying to tell me to take deep breaths and stuff. I didn't listen. I thought I'd lost my twin, my best friend, my soul-mate. At least, I hoped I didn't lose her.

"Dude, stop freaking out! She's probably okay!" Harry said, trying to sound comforting. I remember his voice was alive with panic. It didn't help much.

Out of nowhere, Dave's phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket, took a deep breath, and answered.
"Hello? Uh huh... Uh huh... Errrr... *sniff* Okay, okay. Thank you, goodbye." He closed his phone and stared at it for a long time. When I saw the look on his face as he looked over to my bodyguard, I felt a hot tear slip down the side of my face. I was right.


As we settled in the hotel room, I dropped my stuff on the chair and slumped over to the edge of the bed. The three of us remaining guys sat there, exhausted from panicking and getting worked up. I grabbed the remote immediately, getting bugged by the silence. I flipped it to the news channel, only to see a picture of our band on the screen.

"Mally Chessur of the band Don't Look Back, was shot recently shot in the back at Temple Tower, shortly after an interview held earlier today. Witnesses reported that after the shot was recieved, the rest of them were rushed off the scene. An Ambulance sped to Temple Tower, attempting to revive Chessur. She was anounced dead on arrival." Those last word peirced through my heart. I looked down at my feet and groaned. I wanted to know more. I looked back up and saw a different channel. I glared at Jermaine, who was holding the remote.

"We don't need to watch this," He softly whispered. I snatched the remote and changed it back.

"This might not be the end of DLB, either way they go will respect Mally Chessur's memory. Mkun Chessur, Jermaine Farren, and Harry Justice, if any of you happen to be watching, the world apologizes for your loss. Especially to Mkun Chessur, as Mally always said, 'Whatever happens, no matter how bad it is, never give up, and Don't Look Back.'" Hearing someone else I didn't even know using my sister's favorite quote was completely unbearable.

"I need a moment," I remember saying. I left the room and ran up the stairs to the roof. I sat on the edge for a few minutes, then stood up.

"I want to stay with you, Mally, and as I always said," I took a deep breath. "I'd jump with you." I braced myself for the impact of a sudden death, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was icy cold. I turned around, to see my sister, wearing the same clothes she was wearing earlier. It was as if I could gaze right through her.

"Hey," She whispered. It seemed like she couldn't speak any louder than that. "Thanks."
"For what?" I asked.
"For being my brother. For being my best friend. For being willing to jump for me. But don't, Mkun."
"Why shouldn't I? You're gone, I have no reason to go on." I whimpered against the sting of the wind against my face.
"It may seem like that now," She traced my jawline. "But it's not true. You do. As the lady on the TV said," She paused and took a very deep breath. "Anything you do will be in my respect, but I don't think this would be a very smart choice."
I was confused. "How did you know what was on the TV?"
She laughed a little. "Mkun, I am part of you. Being all physical like this," She gestured to herself. "Well, it takes a toll on me. But it's totally worth it if it keeps you alive." She smiled.

I looked back at the city below me. It was a long way down, almost out of view. I shuddered and turned back to my insanely pale sister, who had a deathly glow lining her shape. She rocked back and forth on her heels.
"So do what you want, if I can't stop you, go ahead. But keep in mind, in the life after, I will be SO mad at you." She taunted. I couldn't help but laugh. I jumped off of the edge back to the roof. She grinned and hugged me, causing me to jolt backwards.
"Sorry, you're just, very cold!" I excalimed. She laughed.
"It's a symptom," She said calmly. We both laughed and she smiled and pointed down the road.
"You know where that is?" She was pointing to Temple Tower. "Go there as soon as you possibly can. I left something for you, more like, my murderer left something for you. But still, I included something." She grinned and started slowly fading away.

I sighed and stepped back through the stairway. I ran back to our hotel room, grabbed my car keys, and left. I made a turn at the business park where Mally was murdered. I noticed that it was 11:17 pm. I groaned and walked out to the front of Temple Tower. The manager that was there earlier when we had come for the interview came out, wrapped in a blanket. She looked over at me with a sympathetic smile. I waved a slight bit and walked over to the place where I was standing when Mally was shot. I saw the whole thing replay in my head.

I saw her body sort of crumple when she hit the ground over and over again. I fought back the stinging tears that threatened to fall. I walked over to the exact corner where she was. I saw something small and silver laying on the ground. I picked it up, noticing that it was a little silver bullet. I looked at the sides, and engraved in one side was, 'Remember me,' and on the other side,
'At Exactly the Wrong Moment.'
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PostSubject: Re: At Exactly the Wrong Moment (One-Shot)   Thu Apr 15, 2010 9:14 pm

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Join date : 2010-03-26
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PostSubject: Re: At Exactly the Wrong Moment (One-Shot)   Fri Apr 16, 2010 1:42 pm

Errrr, wow? What do you mean by wow? Hehe, I sound really needy, but I honestly need some non-vague feedback. I want to become the BEST writer I can be.
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PostSubject: Re: At Exactly the Wrong Moment (One-Shot)   Tue Jul 27, 2010 5:35 pm

That's pretty good. Too bad you're not continuing (sp?) it. I would have liked to see how it ended. I love Mally's quote. You do a good job of connectiing with your readers. (Translation: I felt like I was watching the scene unfold in front of me.)
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