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 The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!]

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Joe Cool
Joe Cool

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Join date : 2009-12-12
Location : In my secret lair.

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PostSubject: The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!]   The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!] I_icon_minitimeSun Feb 28, 2010 12:38 pm

My shot at a story. Read, and please criticize. Either positively or negatively.

**Note: I re-wrote chapter one. I hated it, so that's why I re-wrote it. The plot and place names have changed with it, so you might want to read the new chapter 1.**

I am going to make this into a .pdf sometime in the future, fully decked out with page designs, a cover, and everything. It will replace the text here. As for now, it remains a collection of ASCII hex numbers shown to you from either or

This story is now licensed. You cannot sell it, except to hitch-hiking evil zombie mutated meowing ninja supercattle walking along Route 66 in America. And yes, I mean that.
The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!] 88x31
This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. To view a copy of this license, visit or send a letter to Creative Commons, 171 Second Street, Suite 300, San Francisco, California, 94105, USA.

The Stargate


Stargates are very well known celestial phenomena amongst intergalactic physicists and astronomers. They connect dimensions, and it has been theorized that if one led to the third dimension, it would be possible to time travel through it. The only drawback was you never knew when you would come out. Stargates rarely occur in nature, and are so unstable that they last only a few seconds at most. Usually they occur when two small black holes come within one foot of each other. They then separate, even though the laws of physics say it is not possible. What pushes them apart is the stargate. The sudden outward force is enough to shift a star cluster out of orbit, and even out of the galaxy itself.

There have only been two known incidents. One years before the first space-faring civilization took it's first steps into deep space, today eons ago, when two arms of the Sola Galaxy merged together. In one section, two black holes happened to reside. They formed a stargate before one collided with a star. The other happened hundreds of years ago when a large black hole split. The black holes never separated far apart until after the stargate formed. Some civilizations have tried to re-create it, and one succeeded, but it never was stabilized, and quickly tore a rip in the space-time continuum, destroying the entire system. The creation of one was quickly outlawed, and is now against intergalactic law.

Chapter One: Universal Embarrassment

Many generations worked up to this point. Narcis's Great-Great grandfather began the work, and Narcis had finished it. He finally finished it. He was set to present it at the great Galactic Union Hall of Knowledge during SciCon, one of the biggest scientific gatherings in the galaxy. The honor of his whole family rested on Narcis's shoulders. How to create a stable Stargate.

His theory was based on a Suorfloric liquid called Flurocarbon. Commonly used as expensive starship fuel and back-up fuel, it stored well, was very dense, and strangely, superfluous. It defied gravity and could drip upwards, and wasted no energy going though fuel lines. A rare substance, though. 3 planets have it, and they have very limited sources. It was created during the beginning of the universe.

It cannot be re-created, and many theorems on it's origins suggest it was made in the preceding universe, and was collected as it collapsed and turned into this one. A physical impossibility in this universe, most of it ceased to exist except it's last reserves. But of course, Conspiracy Theorists have their own government-related explanations.

Narcis's theory involves taking Flurocarbon to a super-heated level, sending it to within nine hundred billionths of a mile per millisecond to light speed, colliding it with anti-particles, which are also very rare, and sending a huge pulse of electricity though the exploding mass to stabilize the forming stargate.

He walked up to the stage, the podium on that stage, the thousands of micro-audio receptors plastered over a protruding stick hidden from the audience's view on top of the podium, the millions of eyes watching live, the quadrillions more watching from video viewing devices, his family's honor, and the effort put into this very moment.

He spoke. The universe listened.
"Hello all." He said it with a smile. He explained his theory, detailing everything while keeping the audience's attention. He took his time explaining it, relishing in the glory, the awe of the audience, the dumbstruck "Why didn't I think of that?" expressions, and so on, until someone in the crowd suddenly blurted; "This guy's a lunatic!"

The audience fell silent. Whispers traveled like loud ghosts, sneaking around the audience to curious ears. Narcis's chest fell. The lone speaker, anonymous and secretive in his location, continued on his cruel remarks. "I mean, who in heck is gonna get enough flurocarbon? This guy treats it like it's as abundant as asteroids!" Snickers rose. Silent laughs rolled. "And all these anti-particles? It's bad enough for starships using them!"

Some in the crowd gave a sigh of understanding. Antimatter was expensive. "And the energy required to take these particles to such a speed is maniacal! You'd have to make a nuclear power plant the size of a gas giant and run it for a few thousand years in order to get enough energy." Laughter pelted Narcis like artillery shells. His pride was stripped from him, his family's honor, and he would be laughed at where ever he went.

The final blow the man had to serve was two words that hurt Narcis the most: "Let's go. Let this guy go into a nervous breakdown on his own." And with that, the crowd left. Narcis was alone. He decided he needed to stay that way and let society forget him. He needed to go to the remote planet Shrekka 3.

Chapter Two: Crash Landing

Narcis found a spot. A small clearing, near a spring of water. He thought this was the perfect place to land. He lowered his angle of decent a little more to get to it. But it was then that his re-usable heat shield had enough. Suddenly, a master alarm sounded on the dash, never something you want to hear. Narcis had no idea what was wrong.

He looked to his left wing. It was perfectly fine. Reassured, he thought the alarm was just a random trigger, nothing to worry about. He looked to his right wing to confirm. It so happened that it was on fire, and the tip was gone. Narcis panicked. He didn't remember what to do in a situation like this. Swerve about?

He tried it, yet the rush of air when going about only made it worse. A loud explosion rocked the ship. The master alarm only got louder, and the dashboard only showed more bad news. The right auxiliary thruster was gone. Seconds after, another loud explosion rushed through, and this one shot the ship a whole mile to the left, while forcing it into a barrel roll.

Narcis looked behind him. The main engine was gone. The ground was approaching. The cockpit's controls, now on fire thanks to a crack in the canopy, were shorting out, killing the main computer and the dashboard. The outside was nothing but a fiery orange. The trees and vegetation were now not visible. Narcis knew his end was here when he heard the cracking of tree branches.

A loud whoosh followed, with glass shattering. Narcis felt extremely hot. Even in his thermal regulation suit. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see his own death. He felt a big shake, only short, but still powerful, and then a small thud. Shortly after, a much louder thud ricocheted through the thick trees, followed by another, and then finally, a gigantic explosion, like a building crashing to the ground.

Silence reigned once again. Narcis opened his eyes, astonished he survived. He looked at himself. His suit had burns all over, even a hole on his arm. That isn't easy to do, considering a 30 millimeter wide projectile could hit it and make a hole the size of a pin. He looked over at the wreckage of his ship, right in front of him. Twisted metal, molten rock, and burning trees and foliage were all. And the emergency lock box.

Narcis realized he was still in the ship's pilot seat. Wondering how this was, he looked around. He found his hand still pushing something. He followed it down to the Seat Eject button. He got up, and went for the lock box. He pulled out his key from what was left of his pocket, and opened the box. inside were two canisters of Flurocarbon, which makes good back-up fuel, two rations of food, an out-of-range emergency beacon, and a strange little box which read: "FOR INSTANCES WHEN DEFENSE IS NECESSARY."

Chapter Three: The Orion

As Narcis was standing beside the wreck of his ship, another event unfolded. This made intergalactic news, it was so big.
The anchorman sat down at his desk, looking nervously at the co-anchorman.
"If the Orion was pirated, is the galaxy really safe?"
The co-anchor started to shift in his seat. "Well, didn't galactic authorities managing the Graat shipping lane say that it was fully secure?"
"They are greedy politicians."
"Good point."

The cameraman ran to behind the camera, started it up, and shouted, "We're stating in 10!" A few moments passed before he spoke again. Looking at a screen on the camera, he said "5, 4, 3, 2." He then made a gesture at the anchorman signaling to start. "Breaking news has just arrived at the studio, and we have learned that the Orion, the first ship to travel through the newly opened Graat shipping lane, has been captured by pirates. This comes as proof to many that even though it shortened the route to the highly industrial Graat system, theoretically improving the economy, having it pass through the Nurax system, known for it's pirates, was a very bad idea. We do not know about the condition of the ship now, nor of the crew or cargo."


Shee Zaa paced on the bridge of the Orion. The captain of it was sitting in a corner, oil rag tied around his mouth. Shee spat at his face, and turned around to address his first mate, Grut, who was also on board. "Oh, how fun this'll be. We're gonna ge' rich. Really rich. Grut, Call up t'e owner o' this ship. Tell 'im we'll give him 'is crew fo' 70 million."
"70 million?"
"No, tell 'im we'll pay 'im 70 million for the crew. YES, you vile sack o'-"
The third mate, being a little impatient, interrupted. "Sir, we have a leak in the second engine. Should I go to fix it?"
"Yes, fool!" Shee Zaa then turned to Grut again and he continued.
"An' t'e ship?"
"2 trillion. Actually, this IS a nice ship. 3.5 trillion."
"An' t'e cargo?"
"50 trillion."
"But it' wort' on'y 6 trillion."
"What sounds better?"
"Umm, 50 trillion?"
With that, Grut left for the phone. "An' you!" Shee was pointing a finger at his second mate. "Get all o' ou' munitions on board. And outfit this ship wit' guns. We'll stop by ou' friend in the Galactic Army to 'et us some big lasers." Shee Zaa thought for a moment, and then, almost as the second mate left, he said as an afterthought, "Oh, an' when you pass Grut, tell 'im we'll be keepin' the Orion.


Narcis decided to look around for shelter. He had no tent, so he went looking for caves. He also looked about for any food and water source, in case he ran out of supplies. He started to wander about, drawing arrows that led to the ship at regular intervals. No sooner than when he left sight of his ship when he noticed a large cave underneath a waterfall.

Narcis looked around, looking for any animal tracks, to make sure he would not be awoken by a ravenous beast in the night. Seeing none, he went inside. It was dank and moist, but here and there were dry spots just big enough for him to lie down on. He set his stuff in one dry spot, and laid down in another. He laid his head upon a rock, and decided to get some rest. Shrekka 9 was darkening, but since it had 5 moons, the night was still a little bright. Nonetheless, Narcis fell asleep.


"This just in, we have received a status from the pirated ship, The Orion. It has been taken by the infamous Shee Zaa. He is known for taking cargo ships and outfitting them as warships and selling them on the Black Market. He is keeping the cargo ship and holding the crew and cargo for a combined 50.7 trillion Galactic Standard Currencies. We will keep you updated with more details as they come in."
The cameras then stopped. The co-anchor looked at his anchorman. He worriedly spoke. "They want that many GSCs?"
"Where is this universe coming to? Soon they'll be pirating whole planets!"

Chapter 4: The thing about guns...

"Well, that'll be 20,000 currencies." The Galactic Army soldier said it smoothly.
"For 240 Striker Lasers?"
"And ammo, and installation, and the fact that I will be killed of I am found out."
"All right, all right." Shee Zaa wasn't happy with the price, but at least they were powerful.
"For 100,000 I can get you something better along with the Strikers."
"There's no way I'm paying THAT much!" Shee Zaa pounded the plywood negotiation table, and to his surprise, split it in two.
The soldier leaned in closer to the remains of the table. "It's a top-secret technology. A gun that can destroy whole planets. No ship has it yet, and only 100 people know about it, other than me."

"Tell me more."
"It's called the Hydra Cannon."
"Hydra Cannon. I like that name. I'll take two, one fer each side o' the Orion."
"Deal. So 100,000 currencies. Now."
"I ain't payin' 'til the job's done."
"Ok, ok. Now leave. I'll call you with instructions on where to meet me for pickup."
Shee Zaa got up and left the cramped room. He returned to his ship, and left.


Narcis looked about. Something awoke him. A large animal with fur all over it had gotten into his cave. He looked at Narcis, and gave a big growl. Quickly thinking, Narcis reached over to the box. He tried to open it. Sensing movement, the creature ran towards Narcis. In an act of desperation, Narcis foolishly threw the box at the creature. The box open automatically, and out popped a defensive droid. It shot the creature with a painful sting of electricity, and scared it off. Having done it's duty, it went back into the box, the box closing after it.


Shee Zaa paced on the bridge, a randomly selected imprisoned crew member in front of him. Shee Zaa spat at the un-shaven prisoner's feet. "Whadd'a think we'll get for ransom?" Grut, in a strange mood swing that made him depressed for no reason, replied simply, "Not much." Shee Zaa looked at him. "Well, then! We'll 'ave to fix that! Crew! Get the Galactic Union Law Enforcement on the holo-screen!" A few seconds later, a nervous panel greeted Shee Zaa on the holo-screen. He stared down each member shown, and said flatly, "'Hear ya' wan' a hostage released."

"Yes, Shee Zaa, lets. As an act of mercy." A figure had arose from the table on the holo-screen.
"Nice fellow, he is."
"Yes. I am sure his family would love to see his release."
"I could."
"You most definitely can." The figure seemed cool-minded, as if he had been planning on this for at least a week.
"Yeah, bu' air is a lotta money, y' know. So is fuel. An' repairs. Hard, and expensive, releasin' a hostage."
"Now, Shee Zaa, you have to realize you are doing this though kindness."
"I ain't releasin' anyone unless 100,000 GCGs are in my account."

"Shee Zaa, let's be-"
"Fine, Shee Zaa, but this will not be viewed as kind."
"You wan' him safe?"
"Yes, Shee Zaa." A tone of irritation was in his voice, mad that he had lost.
"Well, money's gotta be in."
"We are doing it as we spe-"
"Now." Shee Zaa returned the negotiator's irritating tone.
Silence reigned for a few seconds until a crew member on Shee Zaa's end of the line spoke. "Money's in, Captain, sir!"

"Good. Grut, release our prizoner."
"Shee Zaa, it is very kind of you to release someone, even if you do ask for money."
"Yes, it is very kind of me." A sinister growl was in his voice, but so subtle, you'd have to know why to hear it.
A minute of conversation passed, when Shee Zaa ended it. "Oh, look, our prisoner is leaving now. Why not you look for yourselves?"
The feed Shee Zaa was sending the changed to a view outside the superfreighter, showing a few airlocks and the main hangar bay. The negotiator noted something.
"Shee Zaa, there is not a ship in the hangar..."

Then, a brutally beaten body flew out one of the airlocks. He died instantly. "Shee Zaa! You have committed an unbearable act of crime! Do you realize what you have done?" The feed switched back to Shee Zaa. "Yes," Shee Zaa replied, "I do. I did exactly what you wanted. I released a prisoner. Isn't that what you wanted? Or do you want me to stop?" Shee Zaa ended the call there, before the negotiator could speak. Shortly after, someone else called. With a grin, Shee Zaa said, "Well, well, looks like our lasers are ready."

Last edited by Joe Cool on Tue Sep 21, 2010 2:11 pm; edited 10 times in total
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The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!] Empty
PostSubject: Re: The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!]   The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!] I_icon_minitimeWed Mar 03, 2010 9:39 pm

Looks pretty good, though when I think of Stargate, it's hard for me to get past this...

The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!] Sg1stargatefront
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Joe Cool
Joe Cool

Posts : 55
Join date : 2009-12-12
Location : In my secret lair.

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PostSubject: Re: The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!]   The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!] I_icon_minitimeSat Mar 06, 2010 9:46 am

It's giving a whole new look to them and throwing the common interpretation to the wind.
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PostSubject: Re: The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!]   The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!] I_icon_minitimeSun Mar 07, 2010 7:41 pm

We're Sci Fi Buddies!!!! (JK) BTW awesome so far.
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PostSubject: Re: The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!]   The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!] I_icon_minitimeSun Mar 28, 2010 7:09 am

Joecool, you should update, or your readers will get mad and come after you. Just sayin'.
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Joe Cool
Joe Cool

Posts : 55
Join date : 2009-12-12
Location : In my secret lair.

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PostSubject: Re: The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!]   The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!] I_icon_minitimeSat Apr 03, 2010 10:32 am

I started on Chapter Three, but I got writers block, and as soon as it went away, the power went out. I'll get on it now.
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PostSubject: Re: The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!]   The Stargate [Chapter Four done! Chapter One re-written!] I_icon_minitime

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